I'm going to try and write again, partly to exorcise my food and exercise demons, and partly because maybe someone out there will get a sliver of relief knowing these internal battles we all face are universal in a way that is comforting and shitty at the same time.
It's hard to talk about this, but dealing with my years of food issues is now necessary in a way it wasn't before. I have a new doctor, and he treats the whole person. It's refreshing. I feel heard, and that's a new feeling. Only a few health professionals have ever really listened and had a genuine, healing interaction with me. One was a physical therapist I saw years ago for my back, the other is our masseuse. Now I finally have a main doctor who is genuine and truly understanding. So I took it seriously when he told me I'm pre-diabetic.
A few hours after finding out, I attended my first official Weight Watchers meeting. Later that same night, I attended Interval Fitness (aka Bootcamp aka Crossfit for old people) for the first time since November. So it was a big day. I'll be writing more about my victories and humiliations with both of these new activities.
I have so much flying around in my brain about actually being diagnosed with what is, in my case, completely self-inflicted. Instead of ruminating on the hundreds of ways I'm disappointed in myself, I'll keep it simple. I have fucked up. And now my task is to fix myself so I can be healthier and more present for my wife and son.